Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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