Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
