Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
