Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
