If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
