Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
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I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
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Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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