She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
