It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
