I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
