he wants to bone in the snuggie
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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