I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
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