I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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