Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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