I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
