He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
