I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
