Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
