Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
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