I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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