dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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