I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
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He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
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I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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