I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
