whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
