I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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