We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
