Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
she told me i tasted like america
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
