sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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