I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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