I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
