woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
