haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
