So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
