yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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