We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
