I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
