well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
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as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
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i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
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