I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
