how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
