how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
