he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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