Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
