wrigley field is MILF paradise
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
