There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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