i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
