dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
