Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
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