forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
