you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
