Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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