so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
