I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
