I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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