insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
