Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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