Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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