i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
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