I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
